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I get a lot of strange stuff in my inbox, from the Nigerian lottery
scams, to male enhancement spam, to Facebook requests from Jason
Spiewak. I usually just delete it and move on, but one strange e-mail
caught my eye today; a bizarre e-mail from White Sox GM Kenny
Williams that, well, I'll just let it speak for itself:
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whitesox.com - 2/20/08
RE: Colon rumors
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Dear White Sox fans,
No comment.
I told you guys, all the rumors and all the things that kind of
surface, they start to take up a large portion of my day. And you know
what? I'm sick of it. What is with you people? Why don't you just leave
me alone? I'm just trying to do my job, and I don't need you people
making it any harder. God! You people suck!
You think Jim Hendry deals with this kind of crap? You want to know how
many hours a day he spends in the office? 2. You want to know how many
hours I spend in the office? Multiply that number by 5 and add 4. And
most of that's spent putting out press releases refuting stories from
the Domincan Republic. Sure, their stories are accurate in the end, but
I don't care. I ain't sayin' shit. I don't even tell my wife how my day
was without my secretary preparing a press release first.
I can't even see my kids anymore, that's how much time all this crap
takes. I've got a son who plays football for some college. I don't even
know which team it is anymore because I spend all my time trying to
explain to people how a baseball team's budget works, and they still
don't get it. Newsflash, assholes, I can't give you a dollar if I don't
have fifty cents! Think about it, and stop asking me to sign A-Rod.
And then there's all the things that come out of the Internet, out of
talk radio, out of blogs, all of that stuff... How would you like it if
I came down to your office and started asking you about all sorts of
rumors? "I heard the cracker factory is closing down, maybe management
should trade for the CFO over at Vandelay Industries." "The farm system
at Foster Farms sucks." "You know who would be a good salesman? Aaron
Rowand." Pretty annoying, isn't it?
Also, forget about going out in public. I can't go to the movies
without some pimply-faced scro asking me why I didn't sign Torii
Hunter. I can't eat in a restaurant without some waiter pissing in my
soup because I didn't get Miguel Cabrera. And I'm so sick of people
having me sign autographs out to THE Darrel Oman, or THE Marko
Nisevich. I fucking hate you people.
And it's never enough, no matter what I do. I've got these stats nerds
telling me we need more OBP, so I go out and get Nick Swisher. How do
those assholes repay me? They bitch that I gave up every good player in
our minors to get him. You can't win with these people. Then there's
this guy, Efilnikufesin (What kind of name is that anyway? Is he some
sort of Hobbit?). All he did was bitch bitch bitch about Jon Garland.
So I trade him to the Angels, just to shut him up. I figure hey, at
least I'll finally be a little more productive at work. Instead I'm
hearing it from the other end, this guy Hangar, telling me we've got
two shortstops now, as if I don't know how to count.
But the worst ones, oh, the worst ones are on the online message
boards. Those people are the dumbest sum bitches I've ever met, and
they've always got a trade idea. "You should trade Joe Crede for Matt
Cain!" Hey, that's a fucking great idea. Let me run it by Sabean. Hey,
Sabes, how about Joe Crede for Matt Cain? How about I go fuck myself?
That's what I thought you'd say.
I wouldn't even care if the blogs wouldn't run with this crap. Some message
board loser claims they've got a "source" that says I'm close to
acquiring Carl Crawford. Yeah right, in my wet dreams. Anyway,
MLBTradeRumors.com runs with it, and then Bruce Levine goes spoutin'
off about it, and then I've got Joe Cowley calling my office. Now I'm
wasting time with him on the phone, and by the time I've put all the
rumors to rest, I've got Jay Mariotti calling me an Uncle Tom beacuse
Uncle Jerry is too cheap.
You know what? Even though, and believe me, there are times, and this
is one of them, where I really want to say what I feel, I don't because
I'm supposed to act a certain way. You know what, fuck that noise. I'm
through. Let me tell you something... I'm just not going to continue to
make a habit of confirming or denying anything anymore. That's right,
I'm taking a vow of silence. I'm going under the radar. And unlike the
20 other times I've said this, this time it's for real. I've got a
whole new kind of swagger, and it's called the No Comment Swagger. You
don't like it? Chicago Tough Shit.
Grinderly Yours,
Ken Wiliams
General Manager
Chicago White Sox
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